An Interview with Jeff Garlin

Five reasons why I’m writing a “five reasons why piece” about my movie, by Jeff Garlin

1. It’s a simple format. In the world today things are always so complex. I like things simple. Simple and short. With a five reasons piece you know when the end is coming. There won’t be a reason six. By the way just so you know, my film is only eighty minutes long. Unless you’re going to see Lawrence of Arabia let’s keep it short. You have things to do. I know I do. Plus I have attention deficit disorder.

2. Young people love chocolate. They really do. At least in my experience and if my memory serves from my own youth.

3. I’ve always had a thing for Claudia Cardinale.

4. Summer is hot. I feel like I’m melting. Thank you Mr. Air Conditioning. Or is his last name Conditioner?

5. If you see my movie you can get chocolate. By the way the chocolate won’t melt because there is air conditioning. Unfortunately I couldn’t get Ms. Cardinale to be in the film. I actually didn’t try. She wasn’t right for the role. Unless I had a time machine. You know what? Even if I had a time machine (I don’t have one. I swear. Like if I had one you wouldn’t have heard about it.) I couldn’t have gotten her to do it. Here are five reasons why.
• 1. She was a huge star. How would I gain access to her?
• 2. I don’t speak Italian.
• 3. Can you imagine me trying to convince her to get in my time machine with me?
• 4. Where would she stay during filming? I didn’t have the budget on my film to take care of her in a way that she was accustomed to. And I don’t think my wife would want a young Claudia Cardinale staying at our house. That’s too much for any wife to take. This is assuming Claudia would be attracted to me and that she’d want some oh so gentle lovemaking.
• 5. Young people love chocolate.
6. There is no reason six.

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